Five Principles of Authentic Communication

Originally written by Joshua Harris from the book Boy Meets Girl


Boy Meets Girl is a book written by Joshua Harris that tackles the journey about courtship and marriage. The book is actually published few years ago. But, I didn’t have the drive to read it. Whoops, I am not yet into that especially marriage but who knows. God is a god of surprises. 🙂 Finally after nth years, I’m reading it. It’s a perfect timing since a special friend of mine is into her “more than friends but less than lovers” stage. I want to be there for her and advise her on stuff about courtship. I think the wisdom and teachings from the book will do. Though, still, experience is the best teacher of all. Well, my goal is not to be a counselor, I just want to be a good friend- a good friend with wisdom. I also remember the time when I needed to give an advice to one of my spiritual daughters. I didn’t know what to say since I never been into that! A bit frustrating cause I was honestly out of words. This is why I eventually urged and convinced myself to read it even if it’s kind of awkward (I called it self-felt awkwardness). But mind you, it’s a good read and I’m learning a lot.

Joshua Harris said, “Romance is a very good thing. But just because it’s good doesn’t mean that we can enjoy it whenever and however we please. Like all other good gifts God has made, romantic love can be misusedWisdom is the ownership of insight… I like to think that the relationship between wisdom and romance is like the one between a string and a kite. Romantic love is a kite that catches the wind and tenaciously heads for the sky; wisdom is the string that tugs downward, holding it back. The tension is real but healthy.” 

True! Romance and wisdom co-exist. Love without wisdom isn’t real romance; romance without wisdom isn’t love; wisdom comes from perfect love. Romance and wisdom (during and after courtship) may not be perfect but those who are involved should always seek for consistent growth. This is why Joshua Harris’ five principles of authentic communication must be shared. The principles are not exclusive for dating people or married couples but can also be applied anytime, anywhere to strengthen our communication with others. 

Principle 1: Communication problems are heart problems

You will never change your ways until you understand that the source of your problems isn’t ultimately the upbringing or personality; it’s our own sinful hearts. [Paraphrased]

Principle 2: Your ears are your most important communication tools.

Authentic communication involves asking and listening. If we want to truly know and understand other people, we have to care what they feel and think, not arrogantly assume that we already know… Listen twice as much as you talk.”

Principle 3: Good communication doesn’t happen by accident.

Communication doesn’t just happen. It’s something we have to plan for and work at.

Principle 4: The absence of conflict doesn’t equal good communication. 

Our goal shouldn’t be to avoid conflict, but to learn to work through it and resolve it in a way that honors God.”

Principle 5: Motive is more important than technique.

Before we worry about method or technique, we need to make sure the motive of our heart is pleasing to God. He wants our motive to be sincerely love and serve others- to build up, encourage and benefit them

Lastly, just a piece of advice- Always be authentic. Be the best version of you but always be true to yourself.


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